Why am I blogging?
I couldn't answer that question so I explored that idea for quite awhile today and it led to more questions. I blog because it helps me sort through my own thoughs, my blogs are a journal of sorts, but sometimes I've written just for the joy of writing, sometimes I write in order to better remember something I've read, often I write because I have nobody to talk to about what I'm thinking, and sometimes I write as a form of procrastination. If I stop writing as procrastination and find people to actually speak to while writing, then this blog simply becomes a journal and there's no reason to publicize it unless I'm looking for feedback or trying to educate others. While writing this entry I ealized something. I've always maintained anonymity because i did not want to deal with the opinions of people who know me IRL - family, friends, and coworkers. I've always kept my thoughts to myself, I've never discussed them with anyone else because the responses have always been negative and predictable. My father once laughed at me, saying "You're a BUDDHIST now?! Hahahahaha...." I was thinking "Well, I guess I've always been a Buddhist." but I was too shocked at the mocking attitude. I think I've never wanted to explain myself or debate my beliefs with any of them because I knew that there would be a negative reaction from my Catholic and Jewish family and I never felt that there was any benefit to giving them the opportunity to insult me or deride my beliefs.

I still don't see any reason to tell them other than the fact that I feel like they have always assumed I was someone who I was not.

Why am I blogging anonymously?

As for the other blog which I have already started, I am extremely hesitant to publicize it at all. Research Chemicals are also called designer drugs, and entheogens are also called psychedelics. Even though they may be technically legal and I am obviously not using them for recreational puroposes, I would test positive for illegal substances if I were to be druug tested by my employer, I would lose my professional license, and I still need my job no matter how much I resent it.

So I'm extremely conflicted. I don't want to be anonymous but I feel like I have to keep things that way. I need to search for a solution to that.

I think that I struck bottom this past year, at least I hope that I did. I don't want to go into details because it is enough to say that I just don't know how to manage my money, it has become a nightmare, I have sought legal/financial help, and I am trying to get a handle on it.  I'm actually trying to get a handle on all aspects of my life at once, so I'm considering launching another blog to replace this one.  It's obvious that I have done a lot of reading and research, but what may not have been obvious is that I don't practice much of what I read. I've suffered paralysis through analysis, and I have not actively tried to get feedback from anyone else who might be more knowledgeable than I am.  The need to get feedback is why I'm considering running with a more open platform - a wordpress blog, which could be integrated with other blog-connecting networks and technologies like mybloglog, blogcatalog, twitter, intensedebate and gravatars.  I love the Livejournal platform and community but want to be more open to a wider audience through the use of those technologies.  I hesitate not only because I don't know where the kind of public exploration I'm about to undertake will lead, but because I'm actually attached to Livejournal.

Anyhow. I've already purchased a domain name for wordpress but here's a summary of where I'm at in life.  I understand how and why people can have midlife crises since I am now 39 and feel like I was robbed of life when I was married and I've wasted the free time I've had since then.  I could be in a much better place right now if I had not been so apathetic - or maybe the correct word is just "pathetic". But the distinction doesn't matter. This realization has made me decide to change my approach to just about everything.

I'm done waffling and accepting the roadblocks I've either created for myself or that others have created for me.  But I'm so far from where I should be in life that I need help in more ways than one.  

So I've decided to do things completely different, to break the rules I've been given. I've decided to "cheat" and take "shortcuts" to speed my progress.  There are many things that I can't rush, but there also many unnecessary  things keeping me from getting to where I need to go. 

Religion is number one.  I haven't looked for God or Mystical experiences, I've looked for religion. I have a need for an organized system and a community to belong to, but I've realized that mainstream religion just isn't going to do it for me. An academic approach to religion won't work either, since what I want is the experience - to know god or mystical experiences. So "to hell with" all flavors of christianity.  I'm done with it. And I'm not considering Judaism anymore.  Wicca interests me, Magick interests me, anything esoteric interests me. Tarot is fun. Hoodoo and Candle Magick is fun. Buddhism and Hinduism interest me.  But I don't want to have to rely on tools, rituals, gurus, ceremonies or dogma. I want a direct route to "Gnosis" or  Samadhi. 

So I'm revisiting the practice of Yoga and Meditation, but I will not try to do it on my own because that bores me to tears. Off to classes I will go. I didn't do it before because I was fat and embarrassed and thought I could do it with DVD's. That didn't work so I'm doing it differently.

I've also starting to read about Peruvian (authentic) Shamanism and Psionics/Psychic Training/Energy Work, and preparing myself to cultivate and use (legal) psychedelics in a guided, group setting.  I mentioned earlier my need for community, so I may reconsider joining a Unitarian/Universalist church (or ten!) and probably a drumming circle. I won't give up on finding my place so easily this time around.

As far as lifestyle and the physical world, money is still a roadblock but it is only a roadblock because I've been chasing after a pipedream and I put up too many roadblocks. I did not want to work a second job even though it would get me out of debt, I did not want to start a full time business that would place demands on my free time, and I would not sell portraits because it would compromise my artistic freedom.

I haven't gotten IT certifications to advance in my career because I didn't want to be seen as a nerd. Well, fact is I am seen as a nerd and I do IT related tasks at work already, but I get paid $12k less than I would if I had my certifications and worked in the IT department instead of where I work now.

Well all that self-defeating bullshit just went out the door along with Christianity and Judaism.

I'm selling my affiliate marketing websites to pay for a new site where I will outsource services to other marketers. I'll delegate as much as possible, but it's still an hourly job.  Actually I'll make my services available to whoever the hell is willing to pay for them. We'll see where that leads.

I'm going for my Microsoft and Cisco certifications... MCSE and CCNA. 8 months from now I should be making $12k more even if my business fails and my art does not sell. That $12k alone is enough to get me out of the hole.

And as for my artwork, which I've never discussed before - I'll make paintings and sell them at a price that reflects the time and materials I've put into them, to hell with how little everyone else charges for their work. I apparently value my time more than they do!   I won't sell portraits because that's too personal and subjective - I still don't want to face unsatisfied customers and I still don't want to be paid less than I make at my dayjob for work that is very time consuming.  I'll start a separate site for my artwork, I will find a successful and lucrative artist/art style to learn, and I will probably experiment with nootropics and psychedelics while doing it.

As for health, fitness, and athletics - fuck it, I'm bending the law.  I've been unable to exercise for a long time due to chronic pain and injuries and I have found research chemicals that will allow me to basically cure myself.  They're just not available to the general public in the USA. They inject this shit directly into the tendons of racehorses, so that's what I will be doing to myself. Not quite legal, but the law is standing in the way of me getting back the life I once had before my injuries. I've also ordered an ultrasound machine and a TENS device for  transcutaneous nerve stimulation.  I could never afford to pay for professionals to do the things I'm going to do to myself, so like I said, fuck it.

I've tried to find a good school for martial arts and I've tried to find a good local teacher for filipino martial arts, but I haven't had any luck. I didn't practice martial arts at all for years because I didn't like the schools I found. I could have been practicing all along, but I let my critical self get in the way. WTF was I thinking?

So I'm joining a new local school that is not yet established, I'm taking one of those distance training courses that everyone makes fun of, and I'm starting a local training group myself, at that new school, so that I have people to practice with as I learn. It goes against the usual method of being a certified teacher before you start training, but fuck it.

Fuck the rules.

And the same with academics.  I have a lot of ideas but I need to finish my bachelors before anything else and it really doesn't matter what the degree is in. So I'm going for a nice solid, generic Biology degree. I need to take 3 more classes and I need a decent GPA, so I will be taking one class at a time. I'm taking nootropics / smart pills to help me learn as fast as possible.

My fucking GI Bill just expired. Goddammit, I should have got off my fucking ass and did all this shit before my life went to hell.

Okay, I'm done writing. Normally I'd apologize for the bad language, but I'm angry at myself for getting in my own way, and I've got shit to do.

A whole lot of fucking shit to do.

Edit:
Will be editing links, Wordpress has a new "import livejournal" feature. Why am I nervous about moving to another platform? Because I like LJ. But everyone's on WP...
 


    

This guy completely demolishes the arguments that Jesus and his story were copies of earlier, pagan stories. He also specificlaly responds to the Zeitgeist movie and its arguments against jesus' story, Bookmaring it for further study.
http://www.bringyou.to/apologetics/HORUS.htm . Lessons learned: Need to do individual research instead of being so accepting of different authorities claims. Anyone can claim to be an expert and be very convincing. Belief and faith is mutable.

 And I am no longer ambivalent.

I'm still reading and researching, but not still waffling - now I'm just distracted. Day to day financial concerns have gotten my attention again, I think I need to hire a financial counselor or assistant to help me get a handle on things.  Money - Gawd, I hate it.
I am more enthusiastic about my spiritual search and have revisited a websit called 30CE.com, which motivated me to renew my studies. 

- I've still ruled out Catholicism and Judaism for theological reasons but I am considering variations such as Nazarene Judaism.

- I keep going back to Quakersim and probably need to actually GO TO A MEETING.

- I've more firmly settled into that blend of Deism and Universalism that I mentioned last Easter, but I am searching for a way to apply those beliefs to my life. I may not join a Unitarian congregation, but I will look into attending services.

- Zen Buddhism and Martial Arts are also other ways of expressing my beliefs.
- And I obviously need to write more. I may begin doing so while at work.

I will be spending Easter traveling, and will have time to read. I might actually crack open my Bible for once.
What a concept.

Happy Easter.

I've been reading way too much today. I read a book on the 10th dimension and I am too tired to think clearly, so I wanted to put down something that came to mind. I'm sure I'll polish it later. I think I can turn it into a poem:

God is not the solution to an equation or a proof of concept, god is the parentheses, the equal sign, and the dividing line... god is both the function and the expression of the fundamental concepts of math and logic which are used to form questions or express thought itself. God is cosmology, math, and physics, god is reality perceived and unperceived, understood and undiscovered.

To define next -
Cosmology
Buddha vs Christ & Messiah
After Life
Before Life
Creation vs Big Bang
Higher Dimensions, Multiple Universes, Heaven, Hell, Nirvana

And I am ambivalent.

I'm still reading and researching, still waffling. Day to day financial concerns have got my attention, and I am less enthusiastic about my search spiritual roots. What have I accomplished so far?

- I've ruled out Catholicism and Judaism for theological reasons.

- I've ruled out Quakersim for social reasons. (Weak congregations)

- I've settled into a blend of Deism and Universalism, and I am leaning towards joining a Unitarian congregation.

I suppose that's something. Happy Easter.

This article on Multiverses jives with what I believe....

http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakingnews/world/view_article.php?article_id=109485

Mother Theresa, of all people, questioned the existence of God.  But she was stronger than I am,  because she found the strength to continue her works despite this lack of conviction.  I, too, question the existence of God, but the only reason I continue is because I have a responsibility to my daughter, to be there if and when she needs me. I can't serve as a role model or as an example.  I don't want her to be like me.

I don't see or feel any God.  Or Goddess. Or Spirit. Or Love. Or Hope.  Only  responsibility  and  duty.
No happiness.
No joy.
No  light.
No community.
No family.
No purpose.
No desire.
No reason.
Anywhere.
At any time.

Nothing.

And I have to spend Christmas with my fucking family in god-damned New York.
Of all the places on earth, they have to live in that hell hole....



 

I found an excellent new website and just wanted to share my discovery.
The idea is that there is a 'transcendent unity" at the heart of all religious traditions, as demonstrated by the below image.

http://www.centerforsacredsciences.org/traditions.html

I've started to re-read Joseph Campbell's book, The Power of Myth. I also intend to read two of his other books,  Thou Art That: Transforming Religious Metaphor and Pathways to Bliss before I compose this journal entry.  The point of this entry will be that during college my study of the historical and sociological roots of myth caused me to re-evaluate my experiences, and though I sublimated my belief in mysticism,  I eventually embraced an academic version of Universalism.  My conceptions of Mysticism and Universalism have evolved, and I will detail this transformation as I complete this journal entry.

11/09/2007
I STILL HAVE NOT COMPLETED READING THE BOOKS I PURCHASED SEVERAL MONTHS AGO. WILL COMPLETE THIS ENTRY ONCE I HAVE FINISHED THOSE BOOKS.